Healing in My Heart

By Donna Hogue, Trevor’s MomDownload this article as a PDF file

I am in the healing stage of loss.  In the past few years, I have experienced loss in many ways.  It began with the end of a twenty-seven year marriage. This was followed by an empty nest when my two children launched lives of their own. Then came the passing of a dearly loved family pet after fourteen years. Each time when I began to feel a stage of recovery by resolution to what is, it seems I was dealt another blow.

Now has come the most devastating loss of all, the death of my beautiful and beloved twenty-four year old son to suicide.  This latest event has been a loss so profound that it has taken every ounce of my faith and courage to face it. I have walked, talked, listened, cried, read, sat – looking for the small steps towards healing my heart.  When I visit my sadness in order to get a foothold of understanding on how to proceed, I come to the same conclusion. I am learning that healing only lies in today.

In my darkest hours I know there is no healing in past events I cannot change. regret, remorse and reprimand only serve to steal me from the day.  It is only in the moment of the day that I am experiencing life again. It is a new life, one that holds the possibility of transformation and awakening.  Experiencing the enormous emotion that comes from the depth of tragedy reminds me of the fragility of my physical presence on this earth.  It awakens me to the satisfaction of experiencing the simplest pleasures. These are the things that only happen in the present moment.

I sharpen my awareness to notice a beautiful cloud on the horizon, a shared laugh with a friend, the taste of cool water, the meandering of a butterfly.  My healing continues to lie in the present, watching and waiting to see what the next moment brings. Not in the past but right here, right now, is where I must reside.

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